Seasons

And from the ashes will rise the Pheonix in all its glory...

Nope, not yet. Can't quite stomach the "Woo" yet. I must admit that I have seen some beauty in this but it has mostly been in the form of the people in our community, our family and our dear friends who have not left our side for a moment in the face of some pretty confusion human emotions.

I have never had such a disconnected feeling of angst. It is fairly easy to generate anger. But it is much more difficult to pinpoint the source of the underlying feelings. I described it last night like I was just hanging on to anything in fear that pieces of me would start falling off. I don't want to let go of the anger because that would somehow mean that all of this was not important. But I cannot keep this up because it is exhausting and leaves me with a taste in my mouth like I have been sucking on pennies - dirty, bloody, unsatisfying and a little sick to my stomach. But when I really get in touch with the sadness, it seems disembodied like some spirit blowing through the trees that I can't quite make out. It doesn't make sense.

I have markers for the change of seasons. My favorite time of year is spring and early summer. I long for the markers. First, it is usually the sound of the first humming bird speeding by on its way to some singular flower that it has discovered among the early sprouts of green. Then, the smell of lilacs and most poignantly for me, the sound of frogs emerging from their slumber.

This year, the frogs were first as if the heat of the fire roused them early from their sleep. The sound is disjointed and out of place like my feelings about what has happened. What was the beautiful, much anticipated croaking is to me tinny and sterile with no connection to anything. It is lost like ringing in my ears or a cell phone on speaker. There is no depth or connection. I have no markers to mark the changing of this season. I am lost and making my way through the ash with nothing to show me the way but the smell of smoke and a bit of anger to point me in some direction. I hope its the right one.